Taking offense
I have a friend from college I’m really close to, but they have begun an annoying habit I need help addressing. We live more than 1,000 miles apart, and over the past six months, I’ve noticed that my friend has been giving me unsolicited advice on daily tasks that don’t concern them. At first it didn’t bother me. Now it’s happening three or four times a week.
I think they mean well, but the “friendly” reminders are beginning to come across as condescending. Some examples: If I mention what I’m making for dinner, I’ll be reminded to make sure the chicken is cooked to the correct temperature. I have a vacation planned, and I was just reminded that in order to go I need to have flights booked.
I’m afraid I may be overreacting, which is why I haven’t said anything. However, these constant reminders are frustrating and leave me with the impression that my friend thinks I’m stupid or incapable of taking care of myself. What’s your advice on how to handle this? — NOT A KID AND NOT STUPID
DEAR NOT: A way to handle it would be to ask your friend why the advice was being offered. If you say you’re making chicken for dinner and you are advised to be sure it’s cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees, calmly ask why the person felt it was necessary to say it. The same goes for your travel plans and any other unsolicited advice you receive. If you ask the question, you may find that your old friend isn’t questioning your intelligence, but simply trying to be helpful. (c) DEAR ABBY
Hmm. The friend might be a know-it-all. Her words do seem rather patronizing, so I’m not sure.
Or, she coud be obsessive. Some obsessive thoughts include:
- If I don’t tell her to cook the chicken properly and she gets sick, it’ll be my fault.
- If she doesn’t book a flight well in advance and winds up devastated over a ruined vacation, it’ll be my fault. I could’ve prevented it.
Because my mom does this all the freakin’ time. She’s a patronizing person, yes, but she’s also beyond obsessive. Most people name her main issue as anxiety, but there are obsessive tendencies there, too. Trying to think of an example… nothing’s coming to me, but whenever we’re discussing anything, she asks, “Well, did you remember to do such-and-such?” And I say, “Yes, of course I did, because it’s common knowledge to do such-and-such.” These conversations aren’t snarky or upsetting. In my mind, she’s being obsessive (even though I just now realized that “obsessive” is what it is, more so than anxiety), and I don’t mind putting her mind at ease.
But often the conversation will be like, “Did you remember to do such-and-such?” And my response will be, “Of course I did! I’d have to be stupid not to do such-and-such.” At that point I’m mildly irritated but not really to the point of getting upset.
I think Dear Abby could be right that the friend isn’t insulting the letter writer’s intelligence (on purpose). If I were the letter writer, I’d give constant reassurance. “Oh, don’t worry, Brittany. My brother’s in the restaurant business, and he’d never let me undercook a chicken. He’s taught me well.”
In one of my novels, the main character is a safety girl who follows every safety precaution known to man. That’s coming to mind here. HA HA! I love this blurb intro:
Eighteen-year-old Beth Leonard is a safety girl. She follows the rules and obeys the law. But playing it safe won’t protect her from the darkness of her childhood.
Anyway, I don’t think the letter writer’s friend is trying to be patronizing; rather, she’s obsessed with safety. One obsessive thought that I read online (on a list of obsessive thoughts–and I can’t share the link because this was a while ago) is this one:
- If I don’t pick up that fallen dishrag, then a family member will slip on it and get hurt. I MUST PREVENT THAT!
But I’m sure we all have such thoughts to some degree. No one would leave a dishrag where someone might slip on it.
I’m obsessive myself. I have pure-O (OCD without the compulsions). And it makes me batshit crazy. I take Prozac for it, since antidepressants are also used for OCD (or pure-O). (I don’t take Prozac for depression, but it’s unclear if I’d be depressed without it.)
If I were to go off the Prozac, at first I’d start obsessively thinking, “Something isn’t right. What could it be? Is it this, is it that? Hmm… something is off.” And from there I’d descend into total irrationality, and I’m not making that up. The obsessiveness becomes so bad that I just go nuts. It’s a scary thought. I need my Prozac.
So if I were this letter writer, I’d accept it as an eccentricity of her friend. The important thing is to not take it personally and feel offended.
